The Very Special (dare we say, precious?) Stapler (3/7/23)

As I walked through our office supply room the other day, I noticed a blue stapler on the counter. 

Nothing new, people abandon office supplies on the supply room counter constantly.

“I don’t like this pair of scissors anymore, but somebody else might. I’ll just leave them here.”
“I don’t know where the extra binder clips go, and I don’t really want to ask.  I’ll just them here.”
“I know the binders go on the top shelf, but I don’t feel like getting the step stool to do it.  I’ll just leave this here.”
“The copier is out of paper, but instead of opening a new ream of paper, putting the entire ream in the copier, and recycling the paper packaging, I will just put enough paper in for my job and will leave the rest here. (I opened the copier tray, get the ream of paper, open the ream of paper, and then just put in 20 sheets into the machine, leaving the remaining 480 pieces and the packaging on the counter. I literally did ALL of the hard parts and didn't finish the very last step.” 

All situations to which the perfect solution is, “I’ll quietly leave the scissors, binder clips, binder, rest of the paper (and packaging)  on the counter so somebody else will deal with it.”

Look, I’ve been there.

I can admit I have done it.

I've quietly left things on counters or shelves, knowing that they didn't belong there, for other people to deal with.
 (Well not the last one – I always fill the copier with the full package of paper and recycle the packaging.)

The thing is,  in this office and at this point in time, part of my job is being the “somebody else” who “will deal with it.” 

So, I watch for the items that shouldn’t be on the counter, and this blue stapler caught my attention.

For the most part, I stick to the basics when it comes to office supplies.  Nothing fancy - no snazzy colors or special features. I know it sounds drab and un-fun, but if I order a special neon pink tape dispenser for one employee, then I will have to order a gold plated pair of scissors for another person, and then a custom made designer ruler for somebody else. Then, our company goes bankrupt because Faith went 100 x over the budget for office supplies in 2024. 

People don’t understand the slippery slope that is keeping things “fair” in office supply ordering. It’s an art…a GD art.

This stapler (the blue stapler on the supply room counter) was not the  basic black stapler model I buy on the regular (3 for $12).  This was a Staples One Touch stapler (1 for $16…$16!), in a smart Aegean blue with dark gray highlights.  In case you don’t know your stapler design, where a normal stapler looks like an alligator mouth with one upper jaw and one lower jaw, a One Touch has two upper jaws and one lower jaw. The two upper jaws work together to make stapling into a lever system. Where a normal stapler takes some effort, a One Touch is like stapling air. 

Also, One Touch staplers just look cooler. 

While very strange to see the unicorn of staplers abandoned on the supply room counter of a land of regular, run of the mill staplers, I recognized this stapler.  This stapler has a story, and right there in the supply room the story came back to me.

The year was 20….13?14? I’m actually not sure.  I was on the new side of being the orderer of supplies for the office, so there were things I didn’t totally understand about the job. An employee  (let’s call her Wanda) needed a new stapler. Easy enough. I looked on several websites (as one does) and, while the basic black staplers were available, there was a sale on Staples One Touch staplers.  Not typical, but how nice that I could give this employee something nice  without breaking the budget! I ordered the snazzy aegean blue One Touch stapler and presented it to Wanda a few days later, as though it were an Oscar or Tony. 

For a few years, all was quiet on the stapler front, but then one day lucky Wanda quietly and apologetically asked me if I could order her a new stapler.  When I asked if something had happened to her special stapler, a story came forth. A story of desire. A story of deceit. A story of greed.  The story of the Aegean blue Staples One Touch stapler.    

Over the course of the previous few years, another employee (let’s call her Elaine) noticed Wanda’s exceptional Aegean blue Staples One Touch stapler (I mean, how could you not).  They sat fairly close to each other, so one day Elaine asked to use Wanda’s stapler and Wanda said sure, knowing in her that a stapler that special should be shared. Well, with that one staple, Elaine had experience stapling perfection and there was no going back to her normal, boring stapler.    From that day on, she stapled things at Wanda’s desk constantly,  often remarking at how great the stapler was and how she, being somebody who stapled a lot…probably more than Wanda, deserved a stapler that nice…probably more than Wanda. 

It started to get uncomfortable.

As time passed, we moved to a new office space and Elaine and Wanda didn’t sit as close to each other, but that did not curb Elaine’s need to staple.  Now, when Elaine made the journey across the office  to staple, in addition to talking about how she deserved a nice stapler more than Wanda, she also noted how far she walked to get to the one Touch.

Now it was getting even more uncomfortable.  

This continued for quite some time. Then, one day, Wanda came back from a vacation and the stapler was gone. Just gone. She looked on her shelf, in her drawer, asked the coworkers in her immediate area…nobody had seen her stapler.    

It took very little time to discover that the Aegean blue One Touch Stapler was now on Elaine’s desk, as though it has always been there. There was no discussion. There was no debate. There were no accusations thrown. Everyone just continued on with their lives as though it has always been that way….except, Wanda now needed a new stapler.

Elaine eventually left the company. My assumption was that she took the Aegean blue Staples One Touch stapler (the stapling love of her life) with her, but no. Here it was.  Sitting alone on the supply room counter. 

I’m not sure what to do with it now.  Having many years under my belt as the office orderer I know that an office supply with that much power cannot be left to it’s own devices. 

It cannot be trusted, and people cannot be trusted with it.

Is there an equivalent of “the fires of Mt Doom” for office supplies?

Maybe I’ll just keep it here on my desk for a little while…you know, to keep it safe. 

My precious.