It’s not new information that the first 6 months of 2020 have been a lot of things…a lot of not great things (s*&% show, dumpster fire, whatever term/phrase speaks best for you – it’s been ALL of that).
I am a healthy, white, privileged female with access to healthcare, savings, and the ability to work from home, all of which are all facts that shield me from most of the real traumas of 2020. That has to be said.
I am also an introvert, which means that every article I read, every facebook post I see, every conversation I have with somebody of differing views enters my mind, gets trapped, and swirls around unceasingly until I can sort it out or make sense of it, because I cannot let any of my thoughts go until they are perfectly put together.
So far in 2020, I have read a lot of articles, seen a lot of facebook posts, and had many conversations with people of differing views and it’s all (every piece of information, viewpoint, and opinion) still swirling. I cannot sort out or make sense of anything. Not a single, damn, thing. None of my thoughts are anywhere close to prime time. They are all just trapped in the funnel cloud tearing around in there, making a mess of my mind….and leaking into my heart sometimes too.
I don’t know where to focus my attention.
Facts (FACTS) are being represented by different political parties in completely different ways.
People I really respect are saying things I really don’t agree with.
Stone statues are being valued over the horrible feelings they bring up for living people.
I’m constantly questioning whether I’m doing enough to support others (I’m not) and whether I’m doing them for the right reasons (I’m not).
People refuse to perform a simple task (put on a mask in public places), knowing that it could save the life of another person…which makes no sense to me.
Constant gaslighting leads me to question the beliefs I know (KNOW) in my heart are right.
Upside down is right side up.
Left is right.
Things that shouldn’t be debates are being debated daily.
In 2020, the noise in my mind is 24-7. That’s not so much a complaint as an observation because the noise is important, and, in a lot of ways, I’ve put off thinking about important things for the last several years (because privilege allows you to do that).
I had a 3 hour run on Sunday morning. I was running and thinking and running and thinking and running and thinking, when I came upon a woman on the trail ahead, staring with panic at the GW Parkway. As I approached, she looked at me with a blanket of sadness and pointed to a brown bump on the road. The closer I got, the more I understood. It was a large (larger than I’ve seen before in this area) snapping turtle who had clearly come from the Potomac River and attempted to cross the parkway (4 lanes at that point). The turtle had been hit by a car and half of its shell was smashed-in.
When I stopped running, she looked at me and whispered, “he’s still alive”….and he was.
The turtles eyes were open and his mouth was opening and closing frantically.
Lifting him off of the road wasn’t an option, so we stood together at the side of the road waiving oncoming cars to go around him.
“Whom should I call”, she asked, “911?”
I mean, who do you call, during a pandemic and riots, when a turtle is dying on a road?
I recommended the non-emergency line and she spoke with the operator, explaining the situation but clearly realizing that what she was asking wasn’t really a priority for anyone.
As she was trying to explain where we were on the trail, the turtle closed its mouth and stopped moving.
“I think he’s gone,” she said to the operator, “thank you for your help.”
We both stood there for a second more before going on our way.
A dying turtle didn’t help me make sense of everything going on in the world, but it brought a different sadness for a little bit.
For a day or two, it stopped the tornado.
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