My 40 for 40 (an attempt to distract from a mid-life crisis) (11/10/18)

I've  never understood mid-life crises.
Sure, I’ve seen people go through them – some came out of it fine, some came out of it divorced, and a few came out in debt.
There’s no shortage of examples of completely reasonable people having meltdowns when coming to a certain period of their life.
I just didn’t think it would happen to me.

Well, it hasn’t exactly happened to me. I don’t want to buy something really expensive, or end a long-term relationship, or quit my job and move to Bali (well, maybe that last one), but the year leading up to turning 40 has been….let’s say tricky…in ways I did not anticipate.

I don’t want to turn 40. I don’t want to be middle-aged. I don’t want to not be a young adult.
It’s not that I’m unhappy with where I am, I just can't shake this feeling that time has passed by and I can’t get that time back.

An honest evaluation of that 40 years that I "can’t get back":
0-6 - I mostly don’t remember.
7-12 – That was a pretty solid 5 years.
13-18 – SO MUCH ANGST.
19-30 – Learned a lot and had fun, but a lot of it was spent wandering around trying to figure myself out.
30-39 – Solid.
39-40 – Pre-occupied with turning 40.

So basically, out of 40 years 14 were years I would actually want to go back and repeat.
I have every reason to believe the next 40 years will be absolutely wonderful (probably even better that the first 40), so what’s my problem?

So, in an effort to redirect my energy, I have put together a long, boring (to anyone other than me – you’ve been warned), detailed list of 40 things I am grateful for from my first 40 years – my 40 for 40.

Note: Please go in with the assumption that I am grateful for good health, for the many privileges and freedoms I enjoy, and for the amazing people I have know and loved (only a few of which I actually name, out of fear of leaving anyone out).

40 for 40:

1. My Parents: I mean….where to even start. Nothing I can write in a bulleted word document will do justice to my gratefulness for my parents. Everything I am came from them – my DNA, yes, but also the way I view the world and the things I value.
2. Growing up in a small town: Attica (pop: 3500ish) is a small Indiana town on the banks of the Wabash River. I graduated from high school with (mostly) the same 60ish people with whom I started preschool. I saw my teachers at the grocery store. My first job was at the historic 1-screen movie theater in town. I can’t imagine growing up any other way.
3. Dave: Sometimes I think about how my life might be different if I hadn’t answered a Craigistlist personals ad over 11 years ago, but then I stop thinking about it, because it’s never as good as what actually happened. He gets me, and it’s so important to feel gotten.
4. St Olaf: I’m not the most vocal alum, but I am pretty grateful for the education received and the friendships made in 4 years at St. Olaf. In particular: Ellingson Hall 97-98, Hill Kitt 99-00, the English Department, and the Russian Department.
5. Ellingson Hall: So, Ellingson Hall gets a special shout-out. The friends I made on the 2nd floor of that dorm are, to this day, some of my favorite people.
6. The Lutheran Volunteer Corps: Mid-way through my senior year of college, I realized that I had no plans for life after graduation….none. My friends were lining up jobs and applying to grad school and I had nothing. I don’t know how I found out about LVC, but thank goodness I did. I spent the next 2 years in very cool cities, working at nonprofits, living with other volunteers, discussing spirituality and learning to budget.
7. LVC Tacoma Housemates: So much to say about that first year of LVC, but I always come back to a rainy night in December. We had gotten free tickets to some sort of holiday event at the Tacoma Dome (incidentally, the very place where Justin Timberlake broke up with Britney Spears during a concert tour only a few years earlier). We were waiting at a bus stop and, although it wasn’t as cold as the midwestern winters to which we were all accustomed, the rain brought that special "seeping into your bones" kind of cold that the Pacific Northwest is known for. After what felt like hours, we made it home to our warm house and ate the best homemade veggie burritos I’ve ever had while watching one of our favorite movies (probably either High Fidelity or Saving Silverman).
8. LVC DC Housemates: Year 2 of LVC taught me even more about community and about plumbing. As we were packing up to leave for our Spring retreat, the 3rd floor toilet began to overflow. Attempting to turn off the water to the toilet, somebody (ok…I) tried to turn the little knob, which then broke. Water seeped through to the 2nd floor…then the first floor. One of us was on the phone with our plumber, Collin, who was trying to explain how to turn off the main water line, while others were using buckets to collect water and throw it in bathtubs, sinks, or out the windows. Complete chaos – it would have been a disaster, if it hadn’t been so funny. We also got busted by a friendly Park Policeman for having wine on The Mall (whoops).
9. Airplane Tree: Before I started school, I spent Mondays with my dad (a pastor who had Mondays off). We would go on walks in the woods around our house. One day we found a tree that had fallen and strongly resembled an airplane. I was the pilot.
10. All of the pets I have known and loved: Trig, Patches, Musetta, Victoria, Macavity, Phred, Bristles, Beta Data, Beggar, Mo, PJ, and of course the camels. Special props for Bristles, the Fountain County Dog Obedience Grand Champion of….I’m not sure…maybe 1990? He was a last minute replacement for Phred, who was tragically hit by a car mid-summer. It was quite an underdog story.
11. The d'Arlier Foundation: The summer between my junior and senior year of high school I got to go to France for several weeks with 4 of my best friends and a group of high school French students from our county through the d’Arlier Foundation. While the trip was marred by teenage angst and my own struggles with an eating disorder, the trip allowed me to travel internationally for the first time AND spend one of our last summers together with a very important group of girls. A group of 17 year old Indiana girls sitting on the steps of Montmarte dreaming about their futures.
12. The statement Matthew Shepherd’s father made at the trial of the men who killed him: I don’t remember when I first read it or heard it, but this man’s ability to put his sorrow into words and to rise above the horrible, horrible crimes two men committed against his son…it honestly shaped the way I view forgiveness and the death penalty. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nmP-PM6tQs
13. NOT making it into a Choir at St. Olaf: Nobody really knows who the football players are at St. Olaf, but EVERYONE knows who is in the St. Olaf Choir – it’s a school where music trumps most other things. I made it into the freshman year choir and then, despite auditioning every year, never made it into another choir. I’m not going to lie, the yearly rejection SUCKED, but that simple disappointment set me up for dealing with future rejections, which is as important as anything I learned related to my degree.
14. Teams: My first swimming meet must have been in the summer of either '85 or '86 as an 8 and under swimmer, and my last official swimming meet was the Fall of 1996 as a senior in high school. Being on a team gave me a grounding and taught me the importance and value of working hard. When I think of growing up, I think of swimming laps (in a good way). More recently, a triathlon team (Team Z) has introduced me to a world of amazingly supportive athletes (and just plain old great people) in the DC area – kindred spirits.
15. Coaches: I have a lot of coaches (swimming coaches, tennis coaches, running coaches, tri coaches). They have all been amazing in different ways and I’m thankful for the effort they each put into making me a better athlete and person.
16. Hallmark Movies: They are predictable. The acting isn’t great. The writing isn’t stellar. When I get home at the end of a lot of days (particularly in the last couple of years), I just want a cheerful and easy story about people falling in love.
17. True Crime Shows: For the times I don’t want to watch movies about people falling in love, I am thankful for true crime shows and podcasts.
18. Real Housewives: And for the times I don’t want to watch people falling in love OR shows about murderers, I am thankful for trashy reality shows (including, but not limited to, the Real Housewives franchise). They are awful, I know, and to a lot of people they represent our society’s downfall. I just find them really entertaining.
19. Billy Joel: Billy Joel was the first artist that I liked because I actually really liked his music (not because other people liked him).
20. A Standing Desk: I very much have a desk job and switching to standing has been amazing! My posture is getting better and I have fewer aches and pains.
21. Church Communities: From the small rural church I grew up in to the larger urban church I attend now, church communities have given me so much. Outside of your own family, where can you be a part of a multi-generational community of people who care for each other...just because? It’s not always easy (in fact, sometimes it breaks your heart), but it’s worth it.
22. Jobs: For all of the jobs I have had, I am thankful: movie theater, St. Olaf cafeteria, Lutheran Outdoor Ministries (camp counselor), St. Olaf language lab, Habitat for Humanity, For Love of Children Neighborhood Tutoring Program, Columbia Heights Coffee, and a few different jobs at Paradigm. Each job, whether I liked it or not, provided important income and taught me important skills.
23. Triathlons: My only complaint about triathlons is that I didn’t start doing them sooner. I LOVE the nervous energy before a race, the energy and complete blur during a race, and the complete exhaustion/euphoria of crossing a finish line. There’s just nothing like it and I’m so grateful that my health and income have allowed me to keep registering for them (oh – and did I mention all of the awesome people I have met because of triathlons?)
24. Marathons: BT (Before Triathlons) I was primarily a runner and mostly ran marathons. As a young adult, the diligence and commitment of training for races excited me and kept me moving forward in a way other things did not. As somebody who struggled a lot with self-confidence, running races gave me data in times. If I ran a faster marathon this year than I did last year, I had made real, provable progress. If I finished in the top 10% in my age group, I knew where I stood.
25. 2005 Baltimore Marathon: I bonked (like, really bonked….as in passed out somewhere around mile 18) late in the race, woke up in a hospital, and couldn’t remember my name (it was on the tip of my tongue). This was before cell phones and nobody at the hospital thought to call the marathon to find out who I was, so I spent a confused couple of hours hooked up to an IV. Eventually, I was re-connected with a friend (and remembered my name). The experience taught me 1) Stay hydrated 2) FILL OUT THE BACK OF YOUR RACE BIB 3) Stay hydrated 4) Seriously, stay hydrated.
26. Teachers: I’ve had many and am grateful to all of them. At Attica Elementary they put up with my crying (a fair amount…mostly about math) and at Attica High School they prepared me really, really well for college. At St. Olaf, professors were caring and encouraging, while demanding that I contribute my best. I’ve also had numerous unofficial teachers of life. I’m sure I’ve had some not-great teachers too, but none are coming to mind.
27. Anonymous Runner: The runner who let me have one of her extra rubber bands in the middle of the Marine Corps Marathon one year. My rubber band broke and I was running with my hair down, which is not ideal. I asked at least 10 runners and found the one who both had an extra rubber band and was willing to give it to me. I never run without an extra to give away if necessary.
28. PBS: Growing up, PBS was the home of all of my favorite shows at most ages – Sesame Street and Mister Rogers, followed Degrassi (the original – not the one about the original cast’s children), and then by Anne of Green Gables and (the Colin Firth) Pride and Prejudice. Also, live from Lincoln Center performances of A Little Night Music and Into the Woods.
29. The last 10 minutes of the final episode of Six Feet Under: It’s been described as the best series finale ever aired. I youtube it fairly often and I cry every.single.damn.time.  (See here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3difXqlpwVc)
30. My host family in Krasnodar Russia: I spent a semester in Russia in college. To this day I LOVE the Russian language but am basically hopeless when it comes to speaking it. My host family (mother, father, and sister) was absolutely lovely – kind and patient and wonderful (even if my host father did come home really drunk one night and lock me in the bathroom, which he thought was absolutely hilarious).
31. Grandmothers: I didn’t know either of my grandfathers, but was fortunate to know both of my incredible grandmothers (Lillian and Florence) as well as an adopted grandmother (Lois). Lillian was strict and loving, Florence was caring and spunky, and Lois was supportive, taught me how to play tennis, and told great stories (she actually knew Amelia Earheart!!!).
32. 4H: Every summer I signed up for 4H projects and participated in the 4H Fair. Projects could be a pain, and you had to keep detailed paperwork and budget information (for example: for the aforementioned dog obedience, in addition to actually training the dog I had to keep records about how often we fed him, what we fed him, how often he went to the vet, etc). It was annoying, but I have to admit – the record keeping skills have been much more important in my adult life than the actually dog training part. Plus, knowing how to sew a little bit has been surprisingly helpful.
33. Near Misses (bikes and cars): I’m not a great operator of objects with wheels. I mean, I’m not a blatantly unsafe driver/cyclist, but I lack confidence, which can be dangerous. Quite simply, I have done stupid things while driving and biking due to not paying attention or trying to cross roads too quickly. None of these situations has ended in serious injury to me, to others, or to a car…I did total an expensive bike, but we won’t talk about that (and it could have been worse). I have been watched over, and I am grateful.
34. Finish Lines: I love finish lines. Finish lines are magical places. These are my top 4: Boston 2007 (my first Boston Marathon finish line)/ Marine Corps Marathon 2009 (the only time I ever broke 3 hours in a marathon)/ Mont Tremblant Iron Man 2014 (my first Iron Man finish line)/ Lake Placid Iron Man 2016 (the happiest I have ever been at a finish line).  Also, if you ever get the chance to be at an Iron Man finish line, you will feel things you have never felt before. Watching people accomplish something they have worked so incredibly hard for is amazing – and it only gets more inspiring as you approach the midnight deadline.
35. Anorexia: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. A pretty serious eating disorder that started at some point around my junior year of high school could have killed me. I’m not grateful for Anorexia, but I’m grateful to continue to survive it. I’m grateful for everyone who walked with me through the worst of it and all of the moments (fewer and fewer) it has popped up since. I’m also grateful for the people who (I know) are watching for signs of its return.
36. Weeki Wachee: It’s a mermaid-themed park in Spring Hill, Florida (where my grandmother lived). I loved the park…loved the mermaid show (yes REAL mermaids performed)…and loved everything about the place. Dave and I went a few years ago, and while it feels smaller and more rundown than I remember, it took me back to the magical feeling I had as a little.
37. Introversion: For all of my 20s (and much of my 30s), I wanted desperately to be an extrovert – life just seemed so much easier and more enjoyable for them. In an effort to make it happen, I intentionally hung out with extroverts as much as possible, in hopes that their energy would rub off on me. This mostly just left me feeling tired and inadequate. Yes, it stinks to not want to hang out with people all of the time, and yes it stinks to sit in a meeting knowing that you have something to contribute but unable to share your thoughts until you’ve had time to really, really think them through. It’s also really nice to be able (and enjoy) spending a day alone and in your own head.
38. My father's retirement service/party: My father had been working part time up until this year, and I was able to travel to Owatonna, MN for his final sermon this past summer. The people of Our Savior's Lutheran put together such a special day for dad and for our family. So many feelings.
39. Musical Theater: I have zero talent for singing or dancing (see #13), but my parents gifted me with a love of musical theater at a very young age. I love getting lost in the musicals of my childhood (Annie and Oklahoma),  the ones that got me through my tweens (Les Mis and Phantom), and the ones I'm still discovering (The Band's Visit - tonight!)
40. YOU: I'm so grateful for anyone who cares enough to have read this far.   Thank you for being in my life! Check back in 40 years for my 80 for 80.