I’m at war.
It’s a war of will.
It’s a war of passion.
It’s a war over an elliptical machine.
I don’t love indoor exercise equipment.
In a perfect world, my exercise regimen would consist of running outside in beautiful weather, biking outside in beautiful weather and swimming in clear blue, pristine lakes (in beautiful weather). This past summer, I’ve actually been able to keep up the outdoor plan (with the huge exception of “swimming in clear blue, pristine lakes”, as the closest thing we have to that description in Arlington, VA is the Potomac River, which is neither clear nor pristine…and smells funny). Then one fateful day I wiped out on my bike and broke a rib (making biking outside a little scary and running both indoors and outdoors extremely painful) and suddenly workout options became only light workouts on the stationary bike and elliptical (both indoors).
I, admittedly, am not making the transition with the most positive of attitudes.
I want to be outside.
I want to be free.
I want to feel the early morning breeze on my face.
I want to not feel self-conscious about the fact that I may or may not smell like caked on sweaty nastiness.
But, sadly, most mornings these days you will find me very much inside, moving on machines that go nowhere, feeling the breeze of the fake recycled air streaming through the ventilation slots of the elliptical, and feeling extremely self-conscious about how close people are and if they can, indeed, smell my caked on sweaty nastiness (they can…I know they can because I can smell my caked on sweaty nastiness).
The only, ONLY consolation to the whole situation is that the machines in my building’s fitness center have TVs.
When running or biking outside, I love the peacefulness of watching the passing scenery and getting lost in my thoughts.
When indoors, the “passing scenery” consists of a wall and, while I still have my thoughts, a wall is a wall.
“Law and Order” is a nice alternative.
Sounds like a fair exchange, right? I give up the lovely outdoors, but gain TV.
Here’s the thing: of the 4 ellipticals in my building’s fitness center, only one has both a working elliptical AND a working tv.
Machine #1 – television screen is working, but sound is not.
Machine #2 – elliptical arm handles are stuck in the stationary position.
Machine #3 – television and elliptical both working (the holy grail).
Machine #4 – television screen is not working.
So, basically, anyone who wants to use an elliptical, wants to use Machine #3….including me.
After being away from the fitness center for the whole summer, it took a few days to earn my way back into the “morning crowd”.
In a building full of type A, DC centric, highly disciplined, young professionals, the fitness center can be an extremely regimented place at 6 am.
The group varies slightly from month to month, as people move in and move out of the building, but it’s generally the same people, using the same machines, at the same time, every morning.
When a new person shows up, you are throwing things off…and people don’t like that.
Knowing this, I intentionally showed up early on my first day back, 5:30 AM, expecting to be the first one there, but as I walked down the stairs, I could hear the buzz of exercise equipment in use.
Was it a treadmill? No, not loud enough.
Was it the stairmaster? No, nobody ever uses the stairmaster.
Dammit, it was definitely an elliptical, and, yes, it was Machine #3.
That was the first time I saw him….my arch nemesis…my enemy of enemies….Elliptical Guy.
That first day was tough, as Elliptical Guy (obviously) had chosen Machine #3 (who wouldn’t???). I settled for tv-less Machine #4, hoping that he would finish up quickly and I could slyly switch machines without anyone noticing. Unfortunately, by the time Elliptical Guy was done, an elliptical line had developed.
This left me with the fitness center etiquette question of: Does a person already on a not perfect elliptical, get first dibs of a better elliptical, should it come available, or does it go to the first person in line?
Being the martyr that I am, I let the girl in line have it…and instantly regretted it when she plugged in her IPhone and watched a downloaded movie. She had the tv and she wasn't even using it!
Once bitten, twice shy, I set my alarm for Day 2 and got to the fitness center at 5:20, sure that I would beat Elliptical Guy to Machine #3. Walking down the stairs I again heard the hum of the elliptical.
Damn it! What is up with this guy!?!?!?
I again went with Machine #4. At least I was prepared with my Ipod and some new podcasts. Sigh.
Day 3 – up at 5:15 and Machine #3 was mine!
I heard Elliptical Guy come down the stairs 3 minutes later and could have probably felt his angry stare, had I not been so focused on the “Law and Order” episode developing before my very eyes.
On Day 4, I decided to stick to the plan from Day 3, arriving at 5:15 am, but Elliptical Guy had altered his strategy and was already ellipticalling away.
Oh and he was watching “Law and Order”…clearly just to rub it in.
A worthy opponent.
Day 5: 5:10 am
I managed to get there before Elliptical Guy, but a new girl had beaten us both to the punch – what the heck!
What made her think she could just waltz in on her first day and take the best machine!?!? New people.
Day 6 (this morning) - 5:00 am, my most daring attempt yet.
Walking into the empty fitness center, I easily claimed my spot at Machine #3. Oh the sweet thrill of victory!
Eagerly, I turned to channel 13 and “Law and Order” to find that it was an episode I had already seen. This was a pretty serious problem because I definitely remembered who the killer was, and "Law and Order" sucks if you know who the killer is.
“Don’t panic”, I reassured myself “with a gazillion channels at your finger tips, surely you can find something to watch.”
Unfortunately, as it turns out, there isn’t actually a whole lot on at 5 am: infomercial, depressing news, infomercial, Dr. Drew talking about the woman who pushed her husband off of a cliff, infomercial, infomercial, televangelist, Dr. Phil with a “family in turmoil”, more depressing news, infomercial, infomercial, cartoon, infomercial.
In the end, I pulled out my Ipod and charged up an archived podcast of “This American Life”, which, to be completely honest, is probably a better use of elliptical time anyway.
So, Elliptical Guy, consider this my official surrender of Machine #3.
It's been a good fight, but bad early morning television programming has forced me to withdraw.
I wave the white flag of defeat.
Victory is yours.
Although, actually, tomorrow morning I’m sleeping an extra 20 minutes, so maybe victory is mine.
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