Weaving quickly through the parked cars, I can hear the click-click of heels on the pavement behind me. A sense of urgency overtakes my entire being. I reason with myself, "Relax, Faith, just chill out", as I struggle to fight the urge to break into a 5K pace right there and then in my skirt and heels, my arms already pumping with form similar to that of a competitive walker (an awkward, amateur competitive walker).
Why the rush? Is this a race? Is somebody dangerous following me?
No....this is the walk from the metro stop to my building (an incredibly short walk consisting of 2 blocks and a large parking lot). The person behind me is somebody I assume to be (based on their chosen route through the parking lot) a fellow resident.
He/she is heading home just like me and, well, I just really, really, really want to get there first.
Competition has never come naturally for me.
6 years old - I cried before every single event of every single summer swimming meet.
3rd grade - I'm permanently scarred by the agonizingly painful weekly game of "Around the World" we played as a "treat" every Friday of my 3rd grade year (every...damn...Friday). Not familiar? It's a math flashcard game that pits students against one another in quickly moving, one-on-one battles of multiplication domination not unlike the gladiators of ancient Rome. The ultimate winner feels the love and admiration of teachers and students alike (not that I would know) while the losers, full of shame, are directed to sit on the floor where they are forced to re-write the math problem they missed 100 times (that feeling I knew well).
High School Tennis - I did well in doubles but completely stunk at singles. Without a competitive teammate to push me I completely fell apart (at least, I choose to remember it that way...it's highly possible I just really stunk at tennis in general and my doubles partner was carrying me through matches.)
High School Swimming - I wanted to cry before every single swimming meet but didn't (usually...well, ok, often).
College - N/A. I went to a nice Minnesota liberal arts school where we focused on studies, character, religion and feelings...unless you were trying to get into a choir (in which case the competition was actually pretty brutal).
Then I moved to the DC area where competition seems to wedge its way into every nook and cranny of life -from the running track at Washington Lee High School to the offices of Capital Hill to the shopping malls of Tyson's Corner. I like to think I'm immune but, after 9 years in this world, I've noticed a competitive nature sneaking its way into numerous areas of my life.
In some of those areas it's perfectly appropriate and even helpful.
In other areas it's just not.
In an attempt to streamline my competitive-ness to areas of my life where it is actually helpful I have attempted to evaluate its appropriateness in a few specific situations:
Conversation - Not acceptable.
Competitive conversation can be found at most any social event. Somebody will always know more about wine, more about current events, more about the arts, more about everything. Should you find yourself in this situation, there are 3 potential routes to take 1) Compete (DANGER: only try this if you really actually do know more about the topic than the other person...otherwise, it's just embarrassing for everyone involved). 2) Listen intently, act interested, and try to learn something about wine, politics or whatever the conversation happens to be about. 3) Turn the conversation to something you know more about - personal example: "It's funny you should say that because just the other night on The Real Housewives of New Jersey...."
Running marathons - Acceptable.
Acceptable, encouraged and helpful. Sure you are really, at the heart of the matter, competing with your own best time and trying to challenge your own goals and testing your personal limits and blah blah blah... whatever, after running 13 of them I can honestly say that it's really nice to cross the finish line before other people (more room in the snack area and shorter lines at the massage table).
Yoga - Not acceptable.
Yoga is about the light inside of you and the focus is supposed to stay within the confines of your mat...YOUR mat...not the mat of the sweaty guy next to you or the snotty 22 year old girl in front of you! Stop it! Listen to your own voice, I know you want to hold the pose longer than sweaty guy, I know that you feel measurably better about yourself if you balance longer than the snotty girl, but that's not why you are here! Namaste Dammit!
Driving - Not acceptable (for me).
I'm not a good driver...in fact, I'm a pretty horrible driver, and always have been. For people like me (you know who you are and you know why your friends always offer to drive) even a hint of competitive driving on non-competitive driving roads is not only unacceptable, but flat out dangerous. Sure, it would be gratifying to prove a point in, oh say, your little blue Hydundai by getting to the next red light faster than, oh say, the Beamer next to you but, seriously, just watch for pedestrians and make sure you aren't in reverse.
Spin class - Acceptable.
Competition in spin class is perfectly acceptable. Unfortunately, it's also nearly impossible because you are on stationary bikes. While you can tell how fast another person is pedaling, there is absolutely no way to tell what their resistance is set to (believe me, I've tried). Just mind your own business, focus on the lovely burning feeling in your legs, watch the clock to make sure your instructor isn't making you sprint longer than they claim, and listen to the deceptively fun club music.
Leaving spin class - Why?
Why is it that the minute the fast music stops and the sprinting ends, everyone books it for the handi-wipes to wipe down their bike and bolt out the door? We still have 5 minutes of cool down and stretching! Where is everyone going? The spin instructor is still talking.....hey guys....wait....
Scrabble - Acceptable
Acceptable...unless you are competing with somebody with different Scrabble goals. If your goal is strictly to make cool words DO NOT play with somebody who is playing for points alone. Playing a cool, original word like "toea" (a monetary unit of Papua New Guinea) and being outscored by a well-placed "zoo" could end a relationship.
Swimming laps at the local lap swim - Acceptable
Acceptable, and even good, UNLESS you are sharing a lane with people who are much faster swimmers than you are, in which case, come on now let's be realistic. Trying to compete with much faster swimmers (when you are all stuck in the same endlessly looping swimming pattern) is a horrible idea. You will either die of exertion trying to keep up with them or they will kill you out of frustration for constantly being in their way....and neither is a good option. Just take your kickboard and wander over to the lane labeled "medium pace" ok? We've all had to do it - your pride can take the hit if it means not dying.
How cute your child is - Not even a tiny bit acceptable.
All kids are cute - no one child is cuter than another.
I'm dead serious. Don't push this one. You know in your heart that yours is the cutest and that's all that matters.
How cool your pet is - Not acceptable.
All pets are cool - Cats, dogs, hampsters, parakeets, gerbils = all cool.*
*Note: Pets who are willing to wear funny costumes are cooler than pets who are not. I know, I know you would think the opposite, but it takes a certain sense of self to be willing to allow your owner tie a funny hat to your head and take a picture to share on facebook.
How important you are - Not acceptable.
Importance is 100% opinion-based and a number of different pieces of criteria can be weighed a gazillion different ways to mean 1,000 different things to 100 different people. Everyone is important (PERIOD)*
*Punctuation mark is spelled out to emphasize the importance of the statement.
And finally:
Walking from the metro stop to the front door your apartment building - Not acceptable (sigh).
Probably best to take the long way home and avoid the situation altogether. There's nothing flattering about amateur competitive walking...across a parking lot...in heels.
Why the rush? Is this a race? Is somebody dangerous following me?
No....this is the walk from the metro stop to my building (an incredibly short walk consisting of 2 blocks and a large parking lot). The person behind me is somebody I assume to be (based on their chosen route through the parking lot) a fellow resident.
He/she is heading home just like me and, well, I just really, really, really want to get there first.
Competition has never come naturally for me.
6 years old - I cried before every single event of every single summer swimming meet.
3rd grade - I'm permanently scarred by the agonizingly painful weekly game of "Around the World" we played as a "treat" every Friday of my 3rd grade year (every...damn...Friday). Not familiar? It's a math flashcard game that pits students against one another in quickly moving, one-on-one battles of multiplication domination not unlike the gladiators of ancient Rome. The ultimate winner feels the love and admiration of teachers and students alike (not that I would know) while the losers, full of shame, are directed to sit on the floor where they are forced to re-write the math problem they missed 100 times (that feeling I knew well).
High School Tennis - I did well in doubles but completely stunk at singles. Without a competitive teammate to push me I completely fell apart (at least, I choose to remember it that way...it's highly possible I just really stunk at tennis in general and my doubles partner was carrying me through matches.)
High School Swimming - I wanted to cry before every single swimming meet but didn't (usually...well, ok, often).
College - N/A. I went to a nice Minnesota liberal arts school where we focused on studies, character, religion and feelings...unless you were trying to get into a choir (in which case the competition was actually pretty brutal).
Then I moved to the DC area where competition seems to wedge its way into every nook and cranny of life -from the running track at Washington Lee High School to the offices of Capital Hill to the shopping malls of Tyson's Corner. I like to think I'm immune but, after 9 years in this world, I've noticed a competitive nature sneaking its way into numerous areas of my life.
In some of those areas it's perfectly appropriate and even helpful.
In other areas it's just not.
In an attempt to streamline my competitive-ness to areas of my life where it is actually helpful I have attempted to evaluate its appropriateness in a few specific situations:
Conversation - Not acceptable.
Competitive conversation can be found at most any social event. Somebody will always know more about wine, more about current events, more about the arts, more about everything. Should you find yourself in this situation, there are 3 potential routes to take 1) Compete (DANGER: only try this if you really actually do know more about the topic than the other person...otherwise, it's just embarrassing for everyone involved). 2) Listen intently, act interested, and try to learn something about wine, politics or whatever the conversation happens to be about. 3) Turn the conversation to something you know more about - personal example: "It's funny you should say that because just the other night on The Real Housewives of New Jersey...."
Running marathons - Acceptable.
Acceptable, encouraged and helpful. Sure you are really, at the heart of the matter, competing with your own best time and trying to challenge your own goals and testing your personal limits and blah blah blah... whatever, after running 13 of them I can honestly say that it's really nice to cross the finish line before other people (more room in the snack area and shorter lines at the massage table).
Yoga - Not acceptable.
Yoga is about the light inside of you and the focus is supposed to stay within the confines of your mat...YOUR mat...not the mat of the sweaty guy next to you or the snotty 22 year old girl in front of you! Stop it! Listen to your own voice, I know you want to hold the pose longer than sweaty guy, I know that you feel measurably better about yourself if you balance longer than the snotty girl, but that's not why you are here! Namaste Dammit!
Driving - Not acceptable (for me).
I'm not a good driver...in fact, I'm a pretty horrible driver, and always have been. For people like me (you know who you are and you know why your friends always offer to drive) even a hint of competitive driving on non-competitive driving roads is not only unacceptable, but flat out dangerous. Sure, it would be gratifying to prove a point in, oh say, your little blue Hydundai by getting to the next red light faster than, oh say, the Beamer next to you but, seriously, just watch for pedestrians and make sure you aren't in reverse.
Spin class - Acceptable.
Competition in spin class is perfectly acceptable. Unfortunately, it's also nearly impossible because you are on stationary bikes. While you can tell how fast another person is pedaling, there is absolutely no way to tell what their resistance is set to (believe me, I've tried). Just mind your own business, focus on the lovely burning feeling in your legs, watch the clock to make sure your instructor isn't making you sprint longer than they claim, and listen to the deceptively fun club music.
Leaving spin class - Why?
Why is it that the minute the fast music stops and the sprinting ends, everyone books it for the handi-wipes to wipe down their bike and bolt out the door? We still have 5 minutes of cool down and stretching! Where is everyone going? The spin instructor is still talking.....hey guys....wait....
Scrabble - Acceptable
Acceptable...unless you are competing with somebody with different Scrabble goals. If your goal is strictly to make cool words DO NOT play with somebody who is playing for points alone. Playing a cool, original word like "toea" (a monetary unit of Papua New Guinea) and being outscored by a well-placed "zoo" could end a relationship.
Swimming laps at the local lap swim - Acceptable
Acceptable, and even good, UNLESS you are sharing a lane with people who are much faster swimmers than you are, in which case, come on now let's be realistic. Trying to compete with much faster swimmers (when you are all stuck in the same endlessly looping swimming pattern) is a horrible idea. You will either die of exertion trying to keep up with them or they will kill you out of frustration for constantly being in their way....and neither is a good option. Just take your kickboard and wander over to the lane labeled "medium pace" ok? We've all had to do it - your pride can take the hit if it means not dying.
How cute your child is - Not even a tiny bit acceptable.
All kids are cute - no one child is cuter than another.
I'm dead serious. Don't push this one. You know in your heart that yours is the cutest and that's all that matters.
How cool your pet is - Not acceptable.
All pets are cool - Cats, dogs, hampsters, parakeets, gerbils = all cool.*
*Note: Pets who are willing to wear funny costumes are cooler than pets who are not. I know, I know you would think the opposite, but it takes a certain sense of self to be willing to allow your owner tie a funny hat to your head and take a picture to share on facebook.
How important you are - Not acceptable.
Importance is 100% opinion-based and a number of different pieces of criteria can be weighed a gazillion different ways to mean 1,000 different things to 100 different people. Everyone is important (PERIOD)*
*Punctuation mark is spelled out to emphasize the importance of the statement.
And finally:
Walking from the metro stop to the front door your apartment building - Not acceptable (sigh).
Probably best to take the long way home and avoid the situation altogether. There's nothing flattering about amateur competitive walking...across a parking lot...in heels.
I'd like to add to your comments about swimming laps... it's really not cool to be competitive if you are the fastest person in the lane. AND, it's really not cool if you moved to the 'medium' lane just so you could be the fastest person in the lane. However, it does feel really good to know that you could beat all of those people in the 'slow' lane, even if you are getting your a** lapped in the 'medium' lane :)
ReplyDeletep.s. MY kid IS the cutest kid ever... pick one, either one of them will do :)