I never used to have a spam problem.
I mean, sure, every now and then I would excitedly click to my inbox to see what new and exciting mail was waiting and find instead a notice that I had won the lottery and could claim my money (once a credit card number and ss# were provided, of course), or an offer for a free trip to Hawaii (once a credit card number and ss# were provided, of course), or a personal and confidential email from a prince in Nigeria/an attorney in London (on behalf of his client in Dubaii)/a soldier in Iraq, all with eerily similarly tragic stories and, interestingly, all offering to share a small fortune with me (once a credit card and ss# were provided, of course). The soldier was actually hiding the money under a rock in Baghdad (which is apparently why his message was marked urgent).
Other than these occasional “opportunities”, my inbox was squeaky clean.
I always used to hear people complaining about “that stupid *&*(&%$ spam” and I agreed with them and looked annoyed for the sake of conversation, but I never really actually understood what the big deal was. So you get an occasional piece of junk email? Just hit delete and move on!
Somewhere along the line, though, something went terribly, terribly, horribly wrong (or my email just landed on an unfortunate mailing list) and, in the past few months, my spam problem has becoming bigger than I could have ever, ever, ever, imagined (hundreds of email a week bigger than I could have ever, ever, ever imagined).
Of course, like every responsible email user, I have a spam folder which makes everyday life possible, disguising my little problem quite convincingly. In fact, the casual observer of my inbox probably wouldn’t even notice that I have a spam problem as from simply looking over my email you would really only find correspondence with coworkers, staff memos and instructions from my boss, all neatly arranged and organized.
Yep, on the surface you would never guess that ½ inch down on my outlook main page is another folder, a folder that I don’t like to talk about, a folder full of….SPAM.
It’s to this folder that the vast majority of the junk mail is directly forwarded upon receipt. Once there, it sits in a sort of purgatory before the exciting moment each Friday afternoon when I hit the special button signaling a mass deletion. Up until that particular moment, I avoid this folder as much as possible (you just never know what kind of evil viruses are lurking amongst the hundreds of free offers). But then, last week an important email found its way into the scary part of the inbox (the Anacostia of my email world). The time had come and I was forced to pull up my sleeves, hold on tight to my mouse and, with one click, take a leap of faith into the folder where unwanted bad emails go.
Well, it took about 5 seconds to find the lost email but I wound up spending another 10 minutes in the formerly feared folder.
As it turns out, junk mail subject lines can be extremely entertaining. Don’t worry I didn’t open any (I’m not THAT brave) but I spent a good deal of time reading the subjects and laughing out loud.
I have chosen and categorized a few of my favorite headings for your reading enjoyment.
Please see below:
The “make recipient think the email is actually important so she will open it” subject line:
Confirm your sample.
Mike in trouble!
Our common secret.
Newsletter. Dr's Vankilsdonk.
(Not that I wouldn’t want to help Mike but….oooooh - What could the common secret be?.....Dr. Vankilsdonk? Well, I guess if he’s a doctor he must have something important to say, despite the fact that his last name ends in –donk, which is very very funny.)
The “guilt the recipient into opening the email” subject line:
Answer is needed…
Don’t block me!
I need you to read.
Open mail or get problems.
Reply now, bastard.
(I admit to having felt a little bit guilty up until the last two examples– there’s no need to be rude.)
The “throw in the name of a celebrity or current event and see if the recipient opens it” subject line (this is my favorite category):
America against swine flu!
Jolie caught swine flu.
Obama joked about holocaust.
German tourist threw up in White House.
(Those crazy German tourists.)
The “don’t even do spell check and see if the recipient still opens the email” subject line:
Useful potions, approved pilules
Where did the internet kinky lfie go?
Kissing Mishtakes You Are Making
(What exactly is a “pilule”? - and I’m pretty sure there is plenty of kinkiness left on the internet, regardless of what “lfie” means)
The “no comment…it speaks for itself” subject line:
Your big proud friend in the pants will overshadow the Empire State building
If watering your device doesn’t help it become bigger we know what helps.
We know how to wake your small fellow up.
(No comment…they speak for themselves)
And, finally, an email came today that pretty much sums up the entire junk mail issue. The subject line wasn’t super interesting (I think it was something like “message for you”) but you will never guess who it was from! My old friend – Bull*&$^ Kelliher!
I mean, sure, every now and then I would excitedly click to my inbox to see what new and exciting mail was waiting and find instead a notice that I had won the lottery and could claim my money (once a credit card number and ss# were provided, of course), or an offer for a free trip to Hawaii (once a credit card number and ss# were provided, of course), or a personal and confidential email from a prince in Nigeria/an attorney in London (on behalf of his client in Dubaii)/a soldier in Iraq, all with eerily similarly tragic stories and, interestingly, all offering to share a small fortune with me (once a credit card and ss# were provided, of course). The soldier was actually hiding the money under a rock in Baghdad (which is apparently why his message was marked urgent).
Other than these occasional “opportunities”, my inbox was squeaky clean.
I always used to hear people complaining about “that stupid *&*(&%$ spam” and I agreed with them and looked annoyed for the sake of conversation, but I never really actually understood what the big deal was. So you get an occasional piece of junk email? Just hit delete and move on!
Somewhere along the line, though, something went terribly, terribly, horribly wrong (or my email just landed on an unfortunate mailing list) and, in the past few months, my spam problem has becoming bigger than I could have ever, ever, ever, imagined (hundreds of email a week bigger than I could have ever, ever, ever imagined).
Of course, like every responsible email user, I have a spam folder which makes everyday life possible, disguising my little problem quite convincingly. In fact, the casual observer of my inbox probably wouldn’t even notice that I have a spam problem as from simply looking over my email you would really only find correspondence with coworkers, staff memos and instructions from my boss, all neatly arranged and organized.
Yep, on the surface you would never guess that ½ inch down on my outlook main page is another folder, a folder that I don’t like to talk about, a folder full of….SPAM.
It’s to this folder that the vast majority of the junk mail is directly forwarded upon receipt. Once there, it sits in a sort of purgatory before the exciting moment each Friday afternoon when I hit the special button signaling a mass deletion. Up until that particular moment, I avoid this folder as much as possible (you just never know what kind of evil viruses are lurking amongst the hundreds of free offers). But then, last week an important email found its way into the scary part of the inbox (the Anacostia of my email world). The time had come and I was forced to pull up my sleeves, hold on tight to my mouse and, with one click, take a leap of faith into the folder where unwanted bad emails go.
Well, it took about 5 seconds to find the lost email but I wound up spending another 10 minutes in the formerly feared folder.
As it turns out, junk mail subject lines can be extremely entertaining. Don’t worry I didn’t open any (I’m not THAT brave) but I spent a good deal of time reading the subjects and laughing out loud.
I have chosen and categorized a few of my favorite headings for your reading enjoyment.
Please see below:
The “make recipient think the email is actually important so she will open it” subject line:
Confirm your sample.
Mike in trouble!
Our common secret.
Newsletter. Dr's Vankilsdonk.
(Not that I wouldn’t want to help Mike but….oooooh - What could the common secret be?.....Dr. Vankilsdonk? Well, I guess if he’s a doctor he must have something important to say, despite the fact that his last name ends in –donk, which is very very funny.)
The “guilt the recipient into opening the email” subject line:
Answer is needed…
Don’t block me!
I need you to read.
Open mail or get problems.
Reply now, bastard.
(I admit to having felt a little bit guilty up until the last two examples– there’s no need to be rude.)
The “throw in the name of a celebrity or current event and see if the recipient opens it” subject line (this is my favorite category):
America against swine flu!
Jolie caught swine flu.
Obama joked about holocaust.
German tourist threw up in White House.
(Those crazy German tourists.)
The “don’t even do spell check and see if the recipient still opens the email” subject line:
Useful potions, approved pilules
Where did the internet kinky lfie go?
Kissing Mishtakes You Are Making
(What exactly is a “pilule”? - and I’m pretty sure there is plenty of kinkiness left on the internet, regardless of what “lfie” means)
The “no comment…it speaks for itself” subject line:
Your big proud friend in the pants will overshadow the Empire State building
If watering your device doesn’t help it become bigger we know what helps.
We know how to wake your small fellow up.
(No comment…they speak for themselves)
And, finally, an email came today that pretty much sums up the entire junk mail issue. The subject line wasn’t super interesting (I think it was something like “message for you”) but you will never guess who it was from! My old friend – Bull*&$^ Kelliher!
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